tonight lets celebrate not being married
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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