he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
