he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
