I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Randomize
