My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
