3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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