Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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