Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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