I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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