My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
