I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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