So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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