I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I checked into jail on foursquare
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
