We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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