everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
