I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
