I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
