does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
