She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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