I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
