Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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