he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
