just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
