tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
