a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My pussy is not your playground.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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