Four minutes until I can fart!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
