It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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