Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
In other news, I just burned my penis
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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