Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
