Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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