my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
