I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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