so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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