My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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