If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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