In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
