I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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