Dude my mom stole all your condoms
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
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