I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
