PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
