Sorry, I don't speak sober.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
