3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
farters have to be the big spoon...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
