how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
