Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
