so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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