My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
