Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
