I got chris browned last night
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
