He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
