I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
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Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
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So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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