I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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