Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
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As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.