Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.