Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
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When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas