Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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