true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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