New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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