I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
