mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
